I know you’re dying to ask, so I’ll tell you. This morning I woke up at 5 a.m., did a one-hour Pilates workout, drank a Kombucha shake, read 50 pages of “The Brothers Karamazov” in the original Russian, wrote 50 pages in my personal journal, also in the original Russian, meditated, chanted, did yoga, baked 200 gluten-free scones, milked the cow, the goat and the chicken, dressed head-to-toe in Spandex- also gluten-free- paddleboarded to work, and was in the office, fresh and ready, to go an hour before starting time.
No, wait a minute. That’s what I didn’t do this morning. What I actually did was sleep to 10 a.m., eat a day-old bear claw and rasher of bacon, put on my bathrobe and drove my diesel Hoaxwagon to work, arriving two hours late. (Yes, I know. Recent scientific research has found that bacon is bad for you. But mark my words — when bacon is outlawed, only outlaws will have bacon.)
Whatever it was I did or didn’t do, I certainly cannot compete with Emmie Martin. Emmie, of course, is a lists and features reporter for Business Insider, and the author of the recent, revealing, through somewhat self-centered post, titled “I started waking up at 6 a.m. every day — here’s what I am able to accomplish with the extra time.”
As she herself admits, Emmie used to be a slacker when it came to getting out of the sack, but once she heard about all the accomplishments all her friends were all accomplishing by getting up early, she decided to join the early-risers club.
Despite this commitment, Emmie admits to hitting the snooze button and not rising until 6 a.m. Shameful behavior, certainly, but Emmie insists it “helps me wake up gradually instead of jarring into focus right away.”
(What’s so wonderful about focus, I have no idea. I do know that you often don’t focus until well after 2 p.m., and then what you focus on is when you can slip out the back door and head for home.)
Once risen, Emmie will “read and journal.” Quite a coincidence, since you are also working on a journal that will contain your deepest thoughts and inspirational insights. And I’m sure that once you take the first step and actually buy that sheepskin scroll, and a quill pen to go with it, you’ll start journaling like crazy.
During her first hour among the conscious, Emmie nibbles on Envirokidz Peanut Butter Panda Puffs. You prefer Gorilla Grits, but as everyone knows, you’re a food snob.
It is now “around 6:30 or so,” Emmie notes, so it’s time to “mentally prepare myself to go for a run.” This is very important part of your morning routine, too. You have been mentally preparing yourself to go for a run for about 10 years now, and, darn it, I have complete confidence that someday you will actually do it.
Back from her run, Emmie prepares a green breakfast blend of yogurt, frozen strawberries, banana and spinach. “Putting spinach in smoothies is the easiest way to feel healthy without having to actually eat salad,” she explains. I appreciate the tip, since having to actually eat salad is truly a burden and must be avoided by all means possible. I might also point out that putting spinach in a smoothie and immediately pouring the smoothie down the drain is an excellent way to avoid eating spinach without eating salad.
Once she has finished breakfast, Emmie’s next early-bird activity is to make lunch. And darned if lunch isn’t one of those salads she has gone to such lengths to avoid! But why quibble, especially when it turns out that one of “her favorite combinations” is one of your favorite combinations. You also love “kale massaged with olive oil and topped with chickpeas and feta, with an apple on the side.” The only difference is that before you eat this salad, you douse it with Johnny Walker Black Label, and then throw away the salad.
“The biggest perk of waking up earlier is getting to work earlier,” Emmie concludes, and I know you’re happy for her. At the risk of being a sour Sammy, I must point out that the biggest perk of not waking up earlier is that you might never get to work at all. Whichever course you choose, I leave it up to you. In the meantime, please stop massaging your kale with olive oil. The kale doesn’t like it, and neither do I.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company, but he finally wised up and opened Bob Goldman Financial Planning in Sausalito, California. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at firstname.lastname@example.org.