Consider yourself warned!
Today’s column is based on “20 Daily Habits That Will Enrich Your Life,” a Matt Mayberry article, which I found on the website of “Business Insider.” Unfortunately, anyone who reads my stuff is never going to get past No. 8, “Spend your time around those who lift you up and encourage your vision, not belittle it.”
Yes, dear reader, we all know your vision, what little you have of it, and we all agree it must be belittled, not to mention mocked, sneered at and ridiculed. I think you agree, too.
Fortunately, my own personal VistaVision eventually kicked in, and I realized that even if I could share only a few of Mayberry’s 20 ways to “rekindle that passion of yours and help make each day amazing,” it would be useful to you, and good karma for me, and, heaven knows, I need all the karma I can get.
Turning to those Daily Habits, I especially like No. 2, “Consistently Picture Yourself Beyond Your Current Circumstances. Dream enormously big and hold that dream deep within your mind, body and spirit.”
In other words, spend as much time as possible asleep at your desk. Makes perfect sense. How can you dream “enormously big” unless you sleep enormously long? Just be sure to set your alarm to go off when you’re supposed to go home. No reason to give management all that after-hours sleep time if you’re not getting paid for it.
“Write Your Most Important Goal on a Note Card and Look at It Five Times a Day” is Daily Habit No. 4. This could work, but it will use up valuable sleep time. How about writing down your five most important goals on a note card and looking at it once a day? How about never writing down any darn goals on a stupid note card and never looking at it at all? Now, that’s what I call an important goal.
Daily Habit No. 5 is “Drink Plenty of Water.” This is a very good habit, especially when the water is mixed with 30-year old single malt, stolen from the CEO’s liquor cabinet.
Daily Habit No. 6 recommends you “Eat to Win,” and posits, “If you don’t want junk results, stay away from junk food.” This makes no sense at all. I happen to know that most Nobel Prize winners live a diet of Big Macs, cherry slushies and moon pies, exclusively. Or they would like to, if their mommies and daddies let them.
“Make Time to Grow” is Daily Habit No. 10, and while Mayberry limits growth to the “personal” and the “professional,” I know you’ll agree that it is equally important to make time for significant growth in your waist, hips and thighs. In fact, this is one Daily Habit you’ve totally mastered.
Daily Habit No. 12 is to “Keep a Journal.” Mayberry writes, “We have roughly 20,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day.” I very much doubt this is true, unless you count all the times you think about boiling your boss in motor oil. That would take you up to 100,000 thoughts, but writing them all down in a journal will be tiresome, and risky, should cans of 10W-30 be found with your fingerprints on them.
“Think of Five Things You Are Grateful For Right This Second” is Daily Habit No. 13. This will be difficult, but you could try to think of four things. Three? Two? One? Anything? Well, as bad as work is, you’re not dead. You could be grateful for that, can’t you? No? Well, you will be dead someday. There! I knew we could find something that would make you grateful.
Daily habit No. 17 is “Have a Green Smoothie.” If you’re going to put $100-bills in the blender, maybe, but Mayberry’s recipe of spinach and ginger root? Disgusting!
Daily Habit No. 14 is “Snack on Almonds.” Excellent, wonderful idea, and you must do it. [Note to Almond Marketing Board: You can send the check now.]
The final Daily Habit, No. 20, is “Take Full and Complete Responsibility for Your Life.” No way! You’re not halfway smart enough to create such a miserable creature as yourself. Dr. Frankenstein could do it, on a good day, but not you.
It all goes to show there’s only one Daily Habit absolutely certain to enrich your work life — when the alarm goes off in the morning, throw the clock out the window and stay in bed.
If that doesn’t rekindle your passion, I don’t know what will.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company, but he finally wised up and opened Bob Goldman Financial Planning in Sausalito, California. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at firstname.lastname@example.org.