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Snooze Cruise

It isn’t often that a job sounds so good that it makes me want to quit my present position and start disappointing a brand-new employer. My current job isn’t so wonderful, but I am used to it. Best of all, I have memorized my route to work, so I can almost drive to my office with my eyes closed. This may be a tad dangerous for my fellow commuters, but it is good practice for when I get to my desk and start working with my eyes closed.

At least, I call it working. Personally, I feel that anyone who is willing to spend eight hours a day sitting in an Aeron chair earns their salary. The idea that you also have to be productive just makes no sense to me at all. Although, I have to admit that my employers have had a somewhat different point of view on the matter.

Then imagine my surprise when I learned about a job in which the ability to sleep through the workday was not a drawback. Instead, it is a key requirement for employment. Dust off your resumes fellow slackers; Sleepy’s is looking to hire a “Snooze Director.”

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Sleepy’s claims to be the largest mattress retailer in the U.S. with more than 700 locations on the East Coast. Is the company’s geographic focus based on the assumption that those of us on the West Coast are so busy surfing and sunbathing that we do not sleep? If so, Sleepy’s better wake up.

The duties of a Snooze Director are demanding. According to the posting on the Careerbuilder website, the job description for the successful candidate include:

— Testing mattresses in various Sleepy’s stores.

— Assisting with Sleepy’s Facebook and Twitter postings.

— Live blogging and vlogging.

— Demonstrating various sleeping positions.

Speaking personally, this seems like a lot of work for a position that has a base pay of $10 per hour, but I’m sure that once Sleepy’s grasps your ability to somnambulate through a day, they will definitely cut back on these outlandish demands. There’s a lot you can do while in your zombie-like state, but constantly tweeting ain’t one of them.

As for demonstrating various sleeping positions, I’m sure you would draw the line. It’s taken years for you to develop the contortions through which you put your body to achieve perfect slumber, and I doubt you want to put them on display. Besides, you might end up having to share your teddy bear with Sleepy’s customers, and you know how difficult that would be for Mr. Bear-Bear McTeddy.

On the other side of the mattress, the job description does suggest that this job would be perfect for a journalist. And heaven knows, there aren’t a lot of opportunities these days for a journalist to make money. Also, this job may be attractive for another group of people who are finding it difficult to make a living — college graduates.

According to Adam Blank, Sleepy’s chief operating officer, the position of Snooze Director could be perfect for the recent grad. “Between classes, all-nighters and busy social lives, young adults coming out of college are likely to be on the search for slumber after graduation,” Blank writes. “We need someone who is ready to hit the hay every day for Sleepy’s.”

I think most young adults coming out of college are more likely to be searching for salary rather than slumber, but in this economy, you really can’t be picky. And being a Snooze Director could be one of those rare opportunities to put a liberal arts degree to work.

Really! That degree in art history won’t take you very far at Goldman Sachs, but a few minutes listening to you pontificate on the influence of Van Gogh’s post-impressionism and the pointillism of Seurat on the Fauvist paintings of Matisse, and everyone in the entire store will be sound asleep.

If you’re interest in applying for the Snooze Director position at Sleepy’s, and you think you can stay awake long enough to complete an application, you can apply at www.careerbuilder.com. As you might expect with a glamorous position that’s sure to attract a large number of resumes, the company asks that applicants submit “a brief description highlighting their qualifications as an expert in all-things sleep-related.” You are also encouraged to upload a video “demonstrating what makes them a real yawn.”

I would be happy to write you a recommendation that outlines all your drowsy qualifications, but first, I have to take a nap.

Bob Goldman has been an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company in the San Francisco Bay Area. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@funnybusiness.com.

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