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Scary MoVie/Rated PG-13 for sex, partial nudity, violence, blood, gore, bad acting, bad jokes, kind of like the first four in the series

Scary MoVie (a.k.a. Scary Movie 5) starts out with a scene featuring Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan playing themselves. The scene involves sex and acrobatics. Filming had to be kept short so LL could make it back to rehab before her monitoring device went off. But, no matter how short the scene was, it was not short enough.

SM5 spoofs a lot of horror films. This is an assumption, since I haven”t seen any of them other than Rise of the Planet of the Apes and Black Swan. The spoofs involve scenes that are mildly amusing, but never produce any real laughs. At times the scenes become comically gory and very bloody. Boy, did the audience yuk it up. There is nothing funnier than self-mutilation – not in my book.

Many big stars are in SM5. These include Simon Rex whose dad, Toopy Rex, was not an actor and apparently didn”t like his first name so he was generally known as T. Rex. Other major actors include Snoop Dogg and Ava Kolker. Besides these stars you will see cameos and smaller roles by Mike Tyson, Bow Wow, Heather Locklear and Jerry O”Connell. Their acting careers appear to be over, since the last place they could have gone after this film is Murder, She Wrote, which no longer on TV.

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SM5 is only 78 minutes, which stretches out to 85 minutes if you watch seven minutes of outtakes during the end credits. The 85 minutes seem to go on for several decades. They continue to crank out this series in hopes of a small financial return – which, based on the movie budget, couldn”t be much more than a hundred bucks.

I have not seen all of the Scary Movie series. I skip every other one in order to keep my anti-psychotic prescription at a reasonable level. If you are not sure: I am not recommending that you, or anyone with a minimal IQ, see this film. Teenagers may decide this would be a good date movie. They would be right, assuming their date is a heavily sedated penguin.

Rated 1.5 out of 4.0. Scary Movie 6 is in the works even as I finish this review. NOTE: Mike Tyson may surprise us all with an Oscar nomination for SM5. This will happen as soon as the Titanic resurfaces itself and finishes the trip to NYC.

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