Your career kayak is out of control and you are racing down the river of failure, heading for the waterfall of doom.
You are scared of losing the job you have and you are even more scared about finding anything better. Finding anything, period.
You want to know what the future will bring.
I can’t help you — that much you do know. But to return to our metaphor, I can introduce you to someone who can guide you through the Class VI rapids that lie ahead — charlottehealer.
I found charlotteheater on Fiverr.com, a web marketplace for people offering advice and services at the basic cost of $5. From designing a logo to creating chatbots to marketing your etsy store to “writing a great paragraph for any purpose.”
(The great paragraph gig is a $5 item from “bingeclock.” Count the paragraphs in this column. My advice may stink, but considering at all the paragraphs you get for free, it’s a bargain.)
Not all providers top out at $5, by the way. Ordering up quality chatbots from “txemasaez” starts at $150. I’m sure we’d think it was worth it if we only knew what the heck chatbots were.
The service offered by charlottehealer is seeing into your future. For the “basic” fee of $5, she will answer “one psychic question about your career.” You would think she already knew the question, as a psychic. But let’s not quibble.
If you’re thinking that a “French gifted Psychic Medium and Healer from birth” may not understand your company’s business, rest assured that charlottehealer is totally plugged into the world of business.
“I am graduated in Master 2 Marketing and Sales and I have business knowledge and skills,” she writes. That means all you need to succeed is for charlottehealer to “align my soul and chakra system to you.” So if you’ve never been able to understand your management team, now you know the problem. You souls are out of alignment.
In the unlikely possibility that charlottehealer does not solve your work problems and you are unceremoniously thrown out on your chakra, laurajeanne “only charges $5 for “A Powerful JOB HUNTING Spell to help anyone serious in Hunting for a New Job.”
“24 Hour Express Delivery” available.
Laurajeanne is the “4th Generation in the Bloodline of Wiccan Witch Descendant.” Some coincidence. So is the head of your company’s marketing department.
If you haven’t had a good spell cast for you lately, you will be happy to know that in hiring laurajeanne, you are not only getting a witch, you are also getting a partner.
“You take care of your Physical role (Job Hunting),” she recommends. “Let me take care of the Spiritual aspect of it. I will cast this Powerful Spell and divert the Universal Forces to favor you in your JOB Hunting.”
Despite my wish that laurajeanne had availed herself of one of the many $5 proofreaders available on Fiverr — hopefully one with a full command of the rules of capitalization — using a “professional spellcaster” might make all the difference. Just don’t point those spells at me, please. Despite all evidence to the contrary, I am on your side.
If you think that all the providers at Fiverr.com are on the “woo-woo” side of career guidance, think again. For as little as $10, “resumes_va” will “act as a professional or personal reference for you when applying for a new job or role.”
That’s right! Instead of being saddled with references from people who actually know you and are at risk of responding honestly to questions about your character, here is a way to guarantee you will be given a good reference — a great reference, really, since “resumes_va” has “excellent written and verbal communication skills” and doesn’t know you from Adam.
In addition to an excellently written reference, this Fiverr provider also does phone interviews. And there’s no time wasted in useless chitchat or the foolishness of actually getting to know your work history or, for that matter, you. “If you need a reference within 24 hours,” your new reference suggests, “select Express Delivery.”
When you consider how long it takes to really get to know someone well enough to be a reference, a 24-hour guaranteed excellent reference is a real timesaver. And let’s face it — when your actual work history happens to include incidents of plagiarism, forgery, fraud and just a soupcon of embezzlement, the less your reference knows about you, the better.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company, but he finally wised up and opened Bob Goldman Financial Planning in Sausalito, California. He now works out of Bellingham, Washington. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at firstname.lastname@example.org.