You are not alone.
That is what advocates of male domestic violence victims want them to know. October was Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Men are less frequently victims of domestic violence, but because of that, advocates say awareness and resources for them are scarce.
Erica Villa, associate director of community partnerships at Next Door Solutions, said she has seen an increase in the number of men coming to her organization for help in recent years.
Helping men escape abusive relationships can be challenging, she said.
“What makes it challenging is the gender norms,” she said. “Culture plays a huge role in domestic violence … What does it mean to be a male and female in society?”
Often, those norms prevent men from admitting they are abused or stigmatize them seeking help, Villa said. Additionally, those norms are more prevalent in some cultures, such as Hispanic or Asian.
Roughly 25% of Santa Clara County residents are Hispanic, and more than 40% are Asian, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.
Perla Flores, senior division director at Community Solutions, echoed the sentiment.
When women are abusers, Flores said, they are more likely to use tactics other than violence to abuse their partner — manipulation, emotional abuse, financial abuse. However, she said, the pathology is the same.
“Domestic violence happens in all partnerships. It is not about physical abuse,” Flores said. “It is about exerting power and control over your partner. It happens across every relationship, across all socioeconomic strata.”
Making matters worse is that — because women are more likely to be victims — many programs are designed specifically for them. Funding sources too are often earmarked for victimized women.
Further, it is rare that police are trained on how to handle domestic violence situations where men are the victims.
Maria Rosas has been leading Next Door Solutions’ men’s support group for a decade. The 14-week psychoeducation program teaches men how to spot the red flags of an abusive relationship.
She said there are four ways domestic violence ends: the cycle is broken, the abuser is imprisoned, the victim is hospitalized or the abuser kills the victim.
Given that men are less likely to call police or seek medical attention for domestic abuse injuries, the outlook is bleaker.
“It is very difficult socially for men to say they have been abused. It is embarrassing. There is a lot of shame,” she said. “Abuse is abuse. It doesn’t matter if it is a man or woman.”
The group at Next Door Solutions has four goals.
The first priority is to validate victims’ experience, affirming that what they are suffering through is real. Next, counselors ensure victims are safe. Then, they make sure the victim knows his options to get help. Finally, they provide a support network, letting them know others have gone through the same thing
“Domestic violence it is a learned behavior,” Rosas said. “The only person that is responsible for the abuse is the abuser. Nobody starts a relationship thinking they are going to be in an abusive relationship.”
In 2024, the Santa Clara Police Department responded to 307 calls for domestic violence, according to police data. In 89 of those calls, police listed the victim as male.
While the challenges with addressing domestic violence against men are legion, Villa said the culture surrounding it is starting to turn a corner.
“We are starting to see a different trend. There is more conversation about the victimization of men,” Villa said. “There is more attention about creating that camaraderie with men the way they do with women.”
To secure support services for domestic abuse, visit https://www.nextdoorsolutions.org/ or https://www.communitysolutions.org/. Call the domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233.
Contact David Alexander at d.todd.alexander@gmail.com
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According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 28.5% of men nationally report being a victim of domestic violence. https://www.thehotline.org/stakeholders/domestic-violence-statistics/
Santa Clara PD’s 2024 data appears similar to the national average (89/307 = 28.99%).
Adding to the stigma that men are “more likely” to be abusers are social media platforms and ignorant or malicious commenters who rush to paint an individual as such. A good example of such ignorance is Santa Clara resident Robert Haugh and his blog. He has posted dozens of articles focused on Santa Clara Councilmember Kevin Park, many of which try to paint him as a domestic abuser. Here are three examples of Haugh’s blog post headlines.
• July 22, 2025: SPECIAL INVESTIGATIVE REPORT: Santa Clara City Councilmember Kevin Park Under Investigation for Domestic “Disturbance”
• August 7, 2025: “SPECIAL REPORT: Santa Clara Councilmember Kevin Park Suppressed Report on Domestic Disturbance Calls During 2020 Campaign
• September 11, 2025: “INVESTIGATIVE REPORT: Santa Clara Councilmember Kevin Park Accused of Burglary in 2022 Incident at Neighbor’s Home
In his July 22 posting, Haugh wrote, “In 2017 and 2018, Park had the police come to his home on two separate occasions for a domestic violence call.” However, there has been no evidence of violence against a person at Councilmember Park’s residence. Haugh’s inflammatory, unverified claim sparked vicious responses from his audience. A commenter going by the handle ‘Elected from Another City’ wrote, “Park is a pig. Plain and simple,” and dismissed Parks & Recreation committee member and current 2025 Charter Review Committee volunteer, Burt Field, wrote, “We hate him.”
Despite Haugh describing his blog posts as investigative reports, there’s no evidence that any abuse has been committed by Kevin Park or against him. In fact, Haugh has apparently been frustrated by his inability to confirm such acts, and he’s resorted to accusing Police Captain Wahid Kazem and Police Chief Cory Morgan of dodging and covering up incidents involving Councilmember Park.
As a community, we must do much better at not jumping to conclusions or labeling people with assumptions based on gender, race, or social status. And we must avoid engaging with people who have a track record of intentionally inflaming the community with unsubstantiated and malicious attacks. A good place to start is avoiding Robert Haugh’s personal blog and condemning Burt Field for openly spewing comments of hatred.
I firmly sympathize with anyone who is the victim of DV. The stark difference in gender though is the ability to leave your abuser. If we are making generalizations – and the broadness of the topic most certainly requires it unless we are going to discuss case by case specifics – men are far more equipped to leave an abusive situation than women. Women in abusive relationships are cornered. Generally not able to leave unless educated and able to earn a substantial income. Women earn less than men in similar positions even when we are educated. When we are not, the options are slim and the stigmas are higher. As much as the headlines might seem to side with women in DV situations the reality is that the system does not. There are many many women forced to coparent with men who have committed unspeakable acts of anger and violence. I know there are resources out there but I never saw any. I made them myself. I don’t think they are abundant for any gender, and regardless of resources until our court systems pervasively recognize coercive control and abuse as a crime it doesn’t really matter if anyone gets a little help with groceries or the unenthusiastic help of a legal aid. If the judge still sympathizes with the abuser it’s all for naught. We need broad systemic change where domestic violence is concerned. And absolutely wild accountability for those that inflict it. Up to and including removing parenting rights so that the cycles of abuse do not continue. A healthy society demands one where absolutely everyone is safe regardless of gender and the bottom line is that that has not yet happened. For women or for men. The day that you do not have to coparent with an abuser while protecting and regulating your children and yourself is the day we actually have justice and a chance for a more regulated society in general.